Content warnings: familial rejection, trauma, emotional abuse, anti-PTSD ableism and victim-blaming, bad therapists and lack of access to therapy, anti-atheist microaggressions, mentions of death Continue reading
I was hoping the nightmare would be over today, but it’s not. It’s just beginning.
I’m not giving up yet, but honestly? I don’t know how I’m going to continue to survive. I don’t know how many of my friends will make it. I am terrified for all of our safety, especially the most marginalized among us.
I am from the southern border, and I have lived, literally, right on the site of a historic battlefield. I’m genuinely concerned that kind of violence will happen again. I’m terrified for my Mexican-American nieces and nephews (by pretty-close-to-marriage) growing up in this kind of environment, and all my Latinx friends.
I’m scared for my Muslim friends, my Native friends, my Black friends, my Asian friends. It will undoubtedly be much worse for all of you, and I will do whatever I can to support you. It may not be much, but at least know that I care about you, and I hope you are safe.
As a queer woman, as a (highly visible) survivor already struggling with PTSD… I just don’t know. My country has just told me how much they hate people like me, shown how utterly unconcerned they are about electing a person who openly brags about sexually assaulting women. I have to go on, but I don’t know how. I truly thought we were better than this.
I have no survival plan, because how can you possibly prepare for something like this? I will figure it out day-by-day. I have no idea how this is going to play out long term. For the moment, I’m staying put, I’m laying low. I’m grasping at whatever comfort I can. In nine days, Pokemon Sun & Moon will come out, and that is the only thing I can look forward to right now. It isn’t much, but it’s enough.
I’m not okay, and I don’t know how to be okay, but maybe one day I’ll get there.
I hope that you will manage, too. Reach out. Do whatever you can.
List of Suicide/Crisis supports in the USA:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 800-273-TALK (8255)
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Online Chat
- Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741
- The Trevor Project (LBGT+): 1-866-488-7386 (also available by chat and text)
- Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860
- RAINN provides both an online hotline and a national telephone hotline 1.800.656.HOPE (also available in Spanish)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
- List of Warm Lines by state
- Resources for Ace Survivors offers a peer support network, here’s the FAQ. Please keep in mind that this is not nearly as immediate as the options listed above, so if you need urgent help, try one of those first.
- We also have some local affiliated organizations, including a new one (in Iowa this time), but this got out ahead of our announcement. It may take us some time to get our bearings, because I think we are all pretty overwhelmed, and most of us have been for a while now. I will work on getting some of this sorted out soon, but right now I desperately need to go take a nap.
Also, here’s a list of calming sites/activities in case you’re looking for something like that.
Comments are closed on this post because I am not opening myself up to gloating trolls, but there are other places you can reach me.
On Imzy. It’ll be an extension of sorts to this blog, in case you want to follow my half-formed and probably sleep-deprived thoughts on there.
Fair warning, I’m really bad at doing any kind of social media. This one might be a little easier for me to keep up with though, since I can have multiple profiles without having to create multiple accounts.
If you need an invite, I have a
few 200 or so. Or, you can try getting one from the asexuality community.
[CN: Brief mentions of abuse, victim-blaming]
Just a personal update this time. Continue reading
This past weekend the world lost Niki Massey, who was an asexual “Social Justice Daemon” (as she put it); abortion clinic escort; reproductive rights, disability, and Black Lives Matter activist; and scathingly snarky atheist blogger at Seriously?!?
Those of you who don’t follow the progressive side of the atheist blogosphere closely may never have heard of her, as she was not very closely involved with the asexual community, despite being unabashedly ace. She cited racial stereotypes and prejudice as a major barrier to her participation in August, on the Bi Any Means podcast. It makes me sad to know that. It makes me feel like on that level, we failed her. I can only hope that we do better in the future to make the ace community feel more welcoming to everyone, especially multiply marginalized people like her.
To that end, I don’t want to let her go unrecognized among the wider asexual community. Her life mattered. She made a difference. Her influence was much more widely felt than she ever knew. She will be remembered even among people whose lives she never knew she touched, myself among them.
I am only someone who followed her blog, and now any other possibility has been cut short, but still I feel her absence. My feed will never be graced by her vivacious, DGAF personality, her keen insight, and her biting wit again. She was much too young for this.
I want to highlight for posterity some of Niki’s writing that sticks with me the most:
- A Slight Sign of Change? – about how even though “the fight for social justice feels damn tiresome” there’s hope, because we’re winning. This is one to look back on when I need a reminder that all is not lost.
- Evidence, Anecdotes, and Disability and Performative Disability
- Piss Checks on the Poor and Dignity and Today in “The Party of No Government Waste Wasting Government Money”
- Dance of the Brain Weasels
- Hold My Hand – about Inattentive ADD
- Borderline Personality Disorder Month
- …and, of course, The Relief of Asexuality
I will always appreciate her candor and bravery in sharing these posts, and aspire to make even half of the difference she did.
My condolences to all of her colleagues, friends, and chosen family.
Cut for NERD STUFF. Continue reading
We now have a Spanish translation of RFAS’s info sheet for health professionals available for download! Check out our official bilingual announcement here!
Thanks again to CT for working so hard on this. :) More translations are also in the works!
My next task is to come up with a list of key words to provide a translation for, so that when people give local asexuality 101 presentations, they can also give people a way to access the Spanish-language ace community even if they can’t translate everything. If anyone has suggestions for words to put on this list, please let me know! (I realize that a lot of words we use in the anglophone ace community don’t really have any equivalent in other languages though, so they may be hard to translate.)
We’d love to be able to offer this in other languages as well, so if you’re interested in translating, please get in touch!
on RFAS’s “Asexuality & Mental Health” page (not linked because c’mon) that says PLEASE DO NOT LINK THIS PAGE DURING AN ARGUMENT and yet people are still doing it.
If you link to us in order to argue on tumblr about whether aces count as “oppressed enough” to be included in any LGBTQ spaces (or acephobia or anything else), you will cause a wave of hostile traffic to a website specifically set up to support ace survivors. If you reblog an argument that contains such a link, the effect is the same.
Our bandwidth is NOT FREE. And there is an emotional cost to survivors when you decide to use our stories to win political points.
Ace survivors are not rhetorical devices. Mentally ill aces are not “receipts of oppression.” We are not sad puppies or oppressed lamps, and we are not your ultimate trump card. We are people. We have agency. And we are right here. We’re part of your community. We see what you are doing.
If you are going to engage with detractors, or “Discoursers” or whatever they’re being called by the time you read this, you DO NOT have permission to pull someone else into your argument. If you want to use someone else’s story as an example, YOU NEED TO GET PERMISSION FIRST. That is how consent works. If you circulate someone’s story without asking, you are non-consensually exposing them to a serious risk of harassment. Even if no direct harassment occurs (or can occur, because the person may have shared anonymously), just being exposed to the argument, especially when those involved have shown a disregard for your consent and your safety, is INCREDIBLY triggering and anxiety-provoking.
And there is splash damage to other survivors and mentally ill aces, including those of us who volunteer at Resources for Ace Survivors to help fellow survivors. You tax our emotional resources, and make it so that we are less able to help each other, because we have less energy to engage. And you make other survivors & mentally ill aces witnessing the argument feel LESS SAFE sharing their stories.
These kinds of arguments may make survivors and mentally ill aces feel too unsafe to even participate in the community at all. I have personally already withdrawn from the ace community for a few years because I did not feel safe enough to keep participating!
So if you do this, or if you reblog someone else who has done this, you are directly contributing to further harm of ace survivors and mentally ill aces.
Please, please STOP.
And look, I realize that a lot of you doing this are young and have never thought about this before. I get that. I’m sure you didn’t intend to harm anyone. But that still doesn’t erase the fact that it does harm people.
And I’m exasperated, because gentle reminders haven’t had much of an effect. I don’t know what will reach people. Please feel free to circulate the full text of this post on tumblr, because I am not connected enough there to make a dent myself.
This is part four of a series of posts dedicated to breaking down components of resilience. The series is an elaboration on a post I made in 2015, continued now as part of the June 2016 Carnival of Aces on Resiliency. In part one of this series, I covered tenacity. In part two, I covered affect management and positive frameworks. In part three, I covered support network and discernment.
In this final post, I will cover creativity and adaptability. Compared to most of the other items, these two are fairly self-explanatory. Since I don’t have to focus on giving an overview, I’ll be focusing more on my own experiences this time. Warning: I will discuss parental abuse, including some major privacy violations, and invalidation/gaslighting. I allude to but do not mention other kinds of abuse, but mostly it’s just general trauma/recovery talk. Continue reading
This is part three of a series of posts dedicated to breaking down components of resilience. The series is an elaboration on a post I made in 2015, continued now as part of the June 2016 Carnival of Aces on Resiliency. In part one of this series, I covered tenacity. In part two, I covered affect management and positive frameworks.
In this post, I will talk about support networks and discernment. Please note that this post will discuss abuse, gaslighting, intersectional concerns such as racism, accessibility, and exclusion. These will be on an overview level, but some of the links may include upsetting details, so click through with caution.