Virgins

A month or two ago, I remember reading a thread (or part of one anyway) on AVEN started by an asexual who is attracted to virgins. Several others piped up, saying that whenever they found out that someone wasn’t a virgin, they were immediately turned off by that person.

One member in particular had an unreasonable, extremely negative, judgmental view of anyone who had ever had sex, and the thread quickly devolved into an argument with this person (who IMO made a total ass of him/herself). The thread was at least six pages long, so I didn’t read all of it. I read just enough to get the gist of the argument, and see that it wasn’t going anywhere–it was like arguing with a fundamentalist. This person was beyond being disgusted by sex. S/he HATED sex, and seemed to put a great deal of time and effort into avoiding it. Such an extreme viewpoint, to my mind, casts doubt on a person’s claim to be asexual. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say this person might actually be a person suffering from sexual anorexia, or just regular old sexual repression. It seemed dubiously similar to the kind of fortresses that people in denial build to keep reality out. This sort of “us and them” mentality, this militant rejection of ANYTHING sexual, is something that I think damages our cause. After all, how are we ever going to get sexual people to accept us if we won’t accept them? For this reason, I think it’s important for asexuals to be sex-positive.

But enough about that. What I wanted to talk about was virgins.

I honestly find myself a little perplexed when most people talk about virginity. Not too long ago, I had one of my friends introduce me to an anime called Loveless, wherein all virgins had cat ears which they lost when they lost their virginity. I found it completely unrealistic and, more to the point, really stupid, especially in the way the characters related to one another. It was an interesting idea, I suppose, to make one’s status as a virgin or non-virgin visible to others in such an obvious way, but it veered so far off into the realm of the ridiculous that I felt less than compelled to continue watching. Still, it did bring up ideas about virgins having some sort of special status over non-virgins.

This, I don’t really understand. Why are virgins considered pure and innocent and often more desirable than non-virgins? I’m aware that there is a certain portion of the population that gets off on “deflowering” (or even defiling) innocence, but I suppose I probably will never understand because I don’t consider virgins innocent. Sure, some of them may be, but not all. I don’t consider sexual experiences a criteria for determining whether or not one is “innocent.” Forget purity; I’m not even going to touch religion’s role in all this. As Loveless shows, even relatively less religious societies like Japan seem to give virgins a special status.

At any rate, I suppose I can understand why some sexual men might prefer virgin girls, on a physical level (ahem). I suppose I could also understand that maybe some people like to choose virgins to be their sexual partners, because showing someone else the ropes gives them a feeling of empowerment. I can’t relate, but I can understand.

I don’t know about the asexuals who prefer to form relationships with other virgins. I guess I can understand that they feel they can relate to them better than with someone who has had all these experiences they can’t even fathom having (or rather, wanting to have), but I dunno, it seems a little risky to me. At least if they are involving themselves with sexual virgins. Losing one’s virginity seems to be a very, very significant event in the lives of sexual people, after which sexual activity becomes more important. I would be worried that, should a sexual person completely give up on having those experiences due to their involvement with an asexual, it would lead to a lot of resentment later on. Or, if the asexual is willing to compromise and have sex occasionally, once the virgin becomes a non-virgin, it would lead to a significant increase in pressure to have sex on the asexual person. Or they would just up and leave the asexual standing in the dust.

Personally, when it comes to trying to form a romantic relationship, I avoid sexual virgins like the plague. As an asexual who is willing to have sex, I would be afraid that it would have a damaging effect on a sexual person’s psyche, to lose their virginity to me and then be told that no, I don’t particularly want to try it again. Not that I wouldn’t have told them in the first place, but as we have seen, sexuals can be quite dense sometimes, and it would be even more likely to hurt someone who is freshly not-a-virgin. Plus, I do need quite a bit of care whenever I engage in sexual activity, mostly due to the increased vulnerability that comes with acting outside my natural orientation, and I doubt very much whether a virgin would know how to provide that for me. Nor could I really show them what to do, since it doesn’t come naturally to me. It would be an awkward and potentially painful situation for both of us, and the whole thing would make me incredibly nervous.

Asexual virgins, of course, are a different matter entirely.

Really, I just find it interesting how wide a variety of people there are in the asexual community. We all have in common a disinterest in sex, but there’s just so many differing views out there on things like virginity. I may not be able to relate to all of them, but hey. Different strokes for different folks, after all.

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6 thoughts on “Virgins

  1. The differing views continue to blow my mind, and like the sex-negative AVEN poster you were mentioning, some of them are harder for me to accept than others. Mainly, though, I just wanted to say I really do see your point(s) about asexual and sexual virgins. As someone who still seems to land closer to the asexual side of things, even if I’m not identifying that way, it seems so much more comfortable to me to be with another asexual – who may or may not be a virgin – than another sexual, just because they are. I don’t really care whether a person has had sex; I’m more concerned with whether they’re going to want it from me, and how often, and – as you put it – how well they’re going to be able to care for me in the process. I wonder if the virgin thing is, for some asexuals, simply confusion- the idea that because people haven’t had sex, they don’t want it, or because they have had sex, they do want it/ enjoy it/ whatever. I suppose there are other explanations (most of us have random things we’re attracted to, after all), but that seems like it might be the case for a few people at least.

    Also, I wonder if you’ve read _Virgin_ by Hanne Blank? I’m only a few chapters into it, but if soc reading doesn’t bore you to tears, you might be intrigued. It explores the social construction of virginity, the various ways it’s been defined over the years, and the different meanings associated with it. So far it’s interesting, in my opinion at least. :)

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  2. No, I haven’t read it, thanks for the recommendation! :) I have more than a passing interest in sociology, even considered majoring in it for a while, so yeah, I’d probably find it pretty interesting. I’ll definitely check it out!

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  3. Japan is hardly non-religious, America is more non-religious than Japan! Japanese society is built on Buddhist, and Shinto beliefs. That, and they also have a (relatively) large Christian population.

    I’m an romantic asexual with a preference for the fairer sex, and I like to think of everyone as asexual… and I do get kind of uncomfortable when I am reminded that this is not the case.

    I would have sex with a woman, for a few reasons… most of which are deeply personal.

    But, I would not want to know of her sex life/history, or wether she was a virgin or not… I prefer to live in denile, it makes me happier.

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    • I’m curious–you say Japan has a relatively large Christian population, but um… relative to what, exactly? Almost all of the resources I’ve pulled up on the subject indicate that only around 1% (or less) of the population of Japan is Christian. The most generous estimate was 12%. That’s not really all that high, to me, especially compared to Korea. I will certainly admit that the number is *growing*, but that it is relatively high? Compared to other nations, I wouldn’t say it is.

      I also wonder what you mean by “more religious” as I believe there is a far higher (and more frightening) level of zeal for religion in America as compared to Japan, where many religious rituals seem to be more of a social act than anything else. I’m well aware of Buddhist and Shinto beliefs, but according to several surveys I have read and from my own personal experience, I’ve found that among most Japanese people, a strong sense of religion being very important is lacking (of course, there was one very alarming exception, but that was something I actually experienced in America, not Japan!). I probably should have clarified that was what I meant by my original post.

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  4. The Japanese believe there are gods in everything- the sky, the ocean, trees, animals, etc. To claim that Japan is an atheist country is completely wrong, and mislead.

    Please get your facts straight before you say your opinions. I shouldn’t have to tell you that it kills any credibility you may have. And I use “may have” quite loosely in your case.

    Most of your posts are just ranting posts, and while I support anyone’s right to have a blog, I don’t support just anyone’s right to say what they want to say and act like it’s fact.

    As for virgins and myself- a person is to save themselves for the right person and choosing to not do so is disgusting. To put such an emphasis on sex borders on obsession. Call me old-school, but sex wasn’t that important until we took God out of our lives.

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    • I have by no means claimed that Japan is an atheist country!

      I said that there is relatively less religious fervor over there than over here (America). I speak, by the way, from the personal experience of having lived in Japan for a while, as well as from having looked up several studies which indicate that to most Japanese people, religion is not taken quite so seriously. I have seen nobody else citing sources that say otherwise, just people telling me “yes they have religion in Japan” which of course I already knew, and was not what I was saying at all.

      Also… I would contest that sex “wasn’t that important” in a more religious society, but I’m really not willing to get into a debate about religion & sex at the moment.

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