Less Relevant

Lately, I’ve encountered an odd problem. Every time I open up a new post and attempt to write, I find myself stumped on what to write about. Where once I had tons of things to say, now they all escape me.

In the past few months, a lot of things have happened. That’s such a bland statement, but I don’t really know where to start if I were to talk about everything, nor do I even really want to publicly catalog all the events that have occurred since October. Still, I feel an obligation to keep this blog going, if only at a very much stunted pace.

The truth is, asexuality no longer seems very relevant to my everyday life.

This is not to say that I no longer identify as asexual, just that my asexuality has faded into the background in such a way that I don’t really have much motivation to post about it—not to mention the lack of time! I am hardly ever even on my computer anymore, except on those rare occasions (like now) when Cupcake decides she would rather bond with her video games (which, if it gives any indication of how often this is, she complains that she’s been taking such long breaks from them to play with me that when she returns to them, she has to relearn how to play the games).

One of the things I was frustrated about with the dissolution of my relationship (non-specific to romance) with M was that, although I felt that, given the time and understanding, I could have gotten over my discomfort with sex and learned to enjoy it despite my lack of interest. Because he wouldn’t listen to me and try to work with me (nor could he even apparently understand what I was asking), I couldn’t. Either way, I viewed him as a “practice run” of sorts, which allowed me to get past a hurdle which otherwise most certainly would have impeded my current relationship.

I most certainly did not expect this relationship to start as soon as it did, or progress as quickly as it has, but nevertheless, I’m in a good position now to try the things I couldn’t with M. Every obstacle I encountered with him is gone. Asexuality was something that Cupcake and I dealt with early on in the relationship, and with her understading, I have gradually become more and more comfortable with sexual activity, to the point that it’s no longer an issue.

I’ve found—contrary, perhaps, to popular opinion of asexual women—that it’s pretty easy for me to have a orgasm. I can (and generally do) enjoy myself when having sex, but when I’m not having it, I don’t really crave it. I can take it or leave it. And I still don’t understand what sexual attraction is.

I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would say that, because I enjoy sex, I must not be asexual, but really? The key to my enjoyment is in the approach my partner takes towards asexuality. If they try to convince me I’m not asexual, I won’t be comfortable with it. If they try to understand asexuality, accept it and work around it, then it won’t be an issue. Of course, it helps that my partner’s attitude towards sex is similar to mine in various ways, and if it weren’t, she and I would probably have more difficulties, but I think they would still be resolvable, as long as she accepted my orientation.

All things considered, I don’t see myself as being limited by my orientation in any real way. Outside of the bedroom, it doesn’t affect my life, and even its effect on my sex life is negligible, now that I have found someone willing to work with me rather than against me. For being such a weird couple, Cupcake and I have a surprisingly “normal” sex life, to whatever extent at least that a cis/trans lesbian couple can have. I might as well be sexual, for all the effect that has on the way we interact sexually. In the long run, though, it will likely make things easier for us that I am asexual. I realize this probably isn’t something that most asexual people in relationships with sexual people can say—there certainly is a lot of angst among the romantic asexuals about the possiblity that they might never find a comfortable relationship. Some might not be able to handle sexual activity at all, and so I don’t expect my own “solution” to be workable for everyone. Still, I think it’s important for me to make my story available to the rest of the community, so that it may provide some hope, and perhaps even help to disspell some myths about asexual people.

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6 thoughts on “Less Relevant

  1. It’s funny– you write that you don’t understand sexual attraction, but do have sex, while I do understand sexual attraction but have never had sex. And oddly enough, I think that’s one of the reasons why I’ve never had sex, because I do “know what I’m missing” to some extent (although sexual attraction rates about a zero on things that are important to my life). You got me thinking with this post, I don’t think my sexuality is an active issue, either. I do feel left out at times because pretty much all my single friends date besides me. But, I can’t figure out who to date when I’m not attracted to anyone, so it could be a moot point. Anyway, I definitely think it’s still worth talking about.
    I’m just wondering– how did you find a partner you’re so compatible with? I know that’s not easy to do. Was it just luck, or something more? Either way, I’m glad it’s working out for the two of you.

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    • We met on OKcupid, where we have a ridiculously high match percentage (96% out of a possible 97 point something)–but we did also see each other before that at the campus QSA, so it was partially serendipitous, partially two nerds who would be too shy to talk to each other in real life meeting over the internet. I wasn’t sure about OKcupid’s match system, I figured it was best for meeting friends rather than lovers, but apparently it actually does what it’s supposed to do. I was still pretty lucky to meet someone so compatible who even lives in my area, though, as it seems that where most people run into problems with OKC is that their highest matches live too far away.

      Anyway, it’s funny that we are pretty much opposite in that way. I always find it really interesting that asexuals can be so diverse!

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  2. The key to my enjoyment is in the approach my partner takes towards asexuality. If they try to convince me I’m not asexual, I won’t be comfortable with it. If they try to understand asexuality, accept it and work around it, then it won’t be an issue.

    I totally identify with this… it seems strange to think my relationship has progressed so quickly, but I am positive it was because my boyfriend was so respectful of my asexuality. He literally will do anything to make sure I am comfortable, which I know means putting the breaks on his own hormones and desires. He was totally willing to wait until I was ready to kiss even, which made it easier when I decided to make the move… :)

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  3. “Lately, I’ve encountered an odd problem. Every time I open up a new post and attempt to write, I find myself stumped on what to write about. Where once I had tons of things to say, now they all escape me.”

    Oh boy, I’ve been there… eh, umm are there; constantly. I’m sure you’ll make it through this blogger’s block.

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  4. Pingback: Yes, Virginia, There Are Asexuals « Edge of Everywhere

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