Q&A VI

All search terms appear exactly as they were typed into Google/Formspring, so I take no credit for any spelling or grammar errors.

Standard Definitional Disclaimer: Asexuality refers here to a sexual orientation among humans.  It does not have anything to do with biology, whether that means the biology of non-human asexually reproducing species, or humans with non-standard anatomy (if you’re looking for that, google intersex conditions instead). Asexuality means not experiencing sexual attraction; it does not mean or imply that we are “not sexual” in any way at all. The term is analogous to homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, etc. For a more detailed explanation on this, please check my FAQ page. Asexuals are a widely varied group that may have little else in common with one another aside from not experiencing sexual attraction to others as a general rule. I can only answer for myself. My answers may include sarcasm.

On to the questions!

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A flag with four horizontal stripes, from top to bottom: Black, gray, white, and purple.

The asexual flag. Four horizontal stripes, from top to bottom: Black, gray, white, and purple.

Q: does the asexual community have a flag (from Formspring)
A: Yes, it is pictured to the left.

Q: what is asexual porn (from Google)
A: I assume it means either porn of a person who identifies as asexual, or gratuitous images of non-sexual things, like adorable cats.

Q: can a gay istj asexual ever be happy? (from Google)
A: Yes, why couldn’t they be? This is like the most emo question I have ever seen.

Q: are there dating sites for asexuals (from Google)
A: There are some, though I don’t really know all of them as I’ve only used Asexualitic myself, and even then only briefly. I’ve had success with OKCupid, but I wasn’t trying to date other asexuals (or anyone at all, at the time). You might find some others just from the sheer numbers that OKC has, though I think a lot has changed since I last used it, so it might not be that good anymore, and anyway it doesn’t have an option for asexuals. A little while ago I heard about one that was not made for asexuals, but was geared towards people who want romantic relationships without sex, or who can’t have sex anymore because they’ve had cancer or something like that, but I can’t find the link anymore. Oh, and one site that isn’t asexual-specific but allows an option for you to list yourself as asexual is Fetlife, which may work for any kinkier-minded asexuals. If anyone has a handy list of asexual-friendly dating sites, please do post it in the comments.

Q: how do i let someone know i am interested in them romantically (from Google)
A: I suggest you tell them.

Q: what to do when you suffer victim blaming (from Google)
A: This is a tough one. I think it’s best to try to take a step back from the situation, if you can, maybe try to do something relaxing or distracting, if you aren’t so upset that you can’t focus on it. The most important thing is that you remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It really isn’t. They want you to think it is your fault, maybe because they are abusers themselves and they want to keep getting away with it, or maybe just because they want to distance themselves from the idea of abuse happening to them, and pointing to some perceived fault of yours allows them to say, “I’m not like that, I would never let that happen to me.” They’re wrong, of course, it very well could happen to them, but it would probably take being in that situation themselves for them to understand that. Whatever the reason may be, it’s extremely hard to deal with people who blame you for your own abuse. If you do have people who support you, try to seek them out for counter-balancing the victim blaming, and try visiting a supportive website. For example, the _survivors_ community on Livejournal is really great.

Q: what does it mean to call a person obtuse (from Google)
A:  I’ll just quote from a dictionary: “not quick or alert in perception, feeling, or intellect; not sensitive or observant; dull.”

Q: my partner is bi male i would lime him to masturbate with another male , why would i like this , i am female (from Google)
A: Well, why wouldn’t you like it? Have you ever heard of slash fanfiction? Yaoi? They’re very popular among women. For some reason, people who aren’t familiar with those things tend to assume that women aren’t turned on by two guys like men often are by two girls. But as anyone who’s been in any sort of fandom can tell you, that’s silly. It’s normal.

Q: is not wanting to have sex fear of intimicy (from Google)
A: No. It *might* be caused by fear of intimacy, but even if it is, they’re separate things. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t just assume you have a problem with being intimate. Are there other forms of intimacy you’re okay with? If yes, then you’re not afraid of intimacy. You might just not want sex. And that’s perfectly okay.

Q: what do asexuals feel? (from Google)
A: Wow. It’s sad that people have to ask this question. Contrary to the stereotype that we are alexithymic, autistic sociopaths, asexuals actually feel about the same things as everyone else, minus only the sexual attraction. (Btw, the same goes for people on the autistic spectrum, who are also often assumed to be emotionally lacking. Please never assume that.) Not feeling sexual attraction doesn’t mean we can’t experience love, or have any kind of stunted emotional development. Both on an individual level and a group level, asexuals have a wide range of different feelings.

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Have you got a question you’d like me to answer? Ask me here. Remember to check the FAQ page!

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4 thoughts on “Q&A VI

  1. Just to play devil’s advocate on the “is not wanting to have sex fear of intimacy” question: If we figure that about 1% of the population is ace… and that I’d guess (with no particular numbers to back it up off hand) that more than 1% of the population has a fear of intimacy or “intimacy issues” then technically a person would have a higher chance of having some sort of intimacy issue than being ace. But then there’s more complicating factors- like you pointed out, if you like engaging in other intimate acts then fear of “intimacy” probably isn’t the problem but also I’m confident there are people who don’t like engaging in other forms of intimacy who aren’t afraid of it so much as they have no interest in it. But then there’s also plenty of people who engage in sex but still have intimacy issues (and may just make sex as un-intimate an act as possible). And then of course being Ace and having intimacy issues are not mutually exclusive. Vague questions are tricky…

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  2. Acebook is a asexual dating site. Though last time I was on it, there weren’t very many active members anymore. Either that, or they only log in when someone PM’s them. but it does have a chat function and includes a forum where you can talk and ask questions, too.

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  3. what is a purple stripe(horizontal) on black? Or, black stripe purple stripe black stripe. Ive seen this on Bumper stickers but cant find the meaning.

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    • You know, I have no idea. I’ve never seen or heard of anything like that, and I can’t find anything about it, either. Google is not turning up any answers.

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