Well, goddamn. You Tumblr people. If you like something, that shit gets around, doesn’t it! I came back to check on the blog to find that I’d had just shy of two thousand views in a single day. My previous high record, set only four days before, was a mere 700. If this trend continues for only a little while longer, that post will have become the most popular post of all time by the end of this month. And I’ve been blogging for almost four years already. It’s already #3.
Since I hate hate hate Tumblr’s format and refuse to get an account, I’m just going to respond to some of the comments from there here.
Someone commented that the title of my How to Have Sex With an Asexual Person post is “misleadingly” creepy. Yes. It’s creepy on purpose. It’s creepy because it’s based on REAL search terms I have repeatedly gotten leading to my How to Seduce An Asexual post, which was itself based on a similar query. It’s actually a toned down version of those search terms. There are enough people out there who google things like “how to convince an asexual to have sex” (that one was just yesterday) that I felt it was necessary to make a guide for it. I was consistently getting these searches, and they are different enough from my old post’s title that I’m convinced it’s not just people who read that post and wanted to find it again. There have also been more and more people searching for this lately, to the point that I was finally convinced I had to do something about it. These are people who actually want to “seduce” asexuals enough that they’ll look for ways to “get an asexual to fuck you” on the internet.
And the best way to do some damage control is to use a post title that will attract those people. Hopefully some of those people will bother to read it, at least a little. Even if they don’t read the whole thing, maybe they will at least gather that you can’t make anyone do anything, and that it’s a lot more complicated than it’s worth to try. I hope this will reduce the number of people who try to pressure asexuals into having sex or go into it thinking they can manipulate an asexual person into “becoming sexual.” Even if most of the creepers ignore it, if it manages to reach a portion of them, then I’ll count it as a success. On that note…
This is great, but I highly doubt there are many guys who would be willing to put so much thought into something like this. ^^;;; Hell, I don’t think I would want to either….it’s too complicated. >.<
Better that someone who is unwilling to put thought and effort into making sure things are okay gives up because they think it’s too complicated than be obstinately, petulantly manipulative. I HOPE my post scares some people off. It should!
The funny thing is, apparently now I’m on the 2nd page of search results for “how to have sex.” Uh… woo? I didn’t realize there were that many people searching for such things. More visibility, I guess?
Should this not be how you have sex with anyone? Unless there’s a roleplay thing going on in which case remember the safety word.
Yes, it should apply to having sex with anyone, not just asexuals. But like I said, the point of making the post is to try to get through to people who really don’t get it. People who use hostile and aggressive tactics, without realizing how wrong they are. People who are specifically targeting asexuals, with the idea that they can “fix” us. Many of the things in section 2 are concerns that apply to asexuals specifically and likely do not apply as much to people who are not asexual. It’s not a completely generalized guide. But really, the vast majority of it, it’s not “special treatment” for asexuals. It’s common courtesy.
Part of me read this and was convulsed with sick laughter, the face of my ex overlaid on the screen, like a parody of all the writer warns against.
I know that exact feeling. I had a specific person in mind when I wrote it. The date it went up is also personally significant.
There were quite a few people who had specific people in mind when they read it, and I feel for all of you. If I could, I would give each one of you a (safe) hug.
I like this; it’s a decent resource, but it definitely made me raise an eyebrow with the “You must obtain verbal consent.” Because, well, that can be problematic for those of us who lose the ability to be verbal, sometimes even before sex.
I am one such person who becomes nonverbal during sexual activity.
Yup, me too. And again, this is an excellent reason to come up with some sort of signal system and to talk about as much as possible beforehand. But I did think the rest of the article was very well-written.
Is this not in the article already? Pre-negotiation, and especially pre-negotiating signals in case you become non-verbal, I mean. I mentioned the keys as one possible signal, should I try to expand on this whenever I come back to it? Perhaps it’s unclear what I meant in some places. Clear nonverbal indicators that things are okay, like a thumbs up, are totally fine—why wouldn’t they be?—but the questions about whether or not x is okay should be explicit and verbal. Always, until it’s been firmly established by prior negotiation what things are okay and you’ve become so familiar with your partner’s nonverbal signals that you are able to tell when things aren’t okay anymore. If it’s ever in question, then you should ask.
There were also some people who commented that not all asexual people will want to take such a passive role. Of course not. But this is primarily aimed at people who are attempting to seduce asexuals, and it’s a relatively safe assumption that the people who get there by actively googling ways to convince an asexual to have sex are going to be taking the role of the initiator at the very least. And an asexual who is able to take the more dominant role isn’t going to be at quite as much risk as one who is passive, simply because it requires more confidence and know-how. For “brevity’s” sake (lol), I didn’t address it. (I considered splitting the post into a series of posts because of the length of it, actually, but decided against it because for every click you require a visitor to make to continue reading, you lose people. I’d rather have someone skim the post than miss important points that weren’t contained in whichever part they happened to read.) I may go back and add something about being dominant, or just add a link to another post about it later.
It’s certainly something that can still be improved. Other suggestions are welcome.
4 thoughts on “On post titles, re: tumblr comments”
Stop ovethinking and legalizing sex. What we know in the so called modern era have to discuss boundaries, negotiate things.? Ohh please, your entire approach is flawed. If I had to discuss such things every time, my god I too would become asexual!! Stop self validating a bad approach to sex and fix the underlying root cause. Alternatively, just learn to relax.
You don’t discuss these things EVERY TIME. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying you MUST DISCUSS THEM AT FIRST, or else the entire interaction is pressured by the weight of a system that doesn’t take asexual people into account at all. After you’ve discussed things and gotten it all figured out the first time, THEN you get to use shortcuts. THEN you can just go with the flow.
You can’t learn to “just relax” when you’re being crushed by a ton of bricks. If someone is being crushed by the weight of that much social pressure, you don’t just start having sex with them without discussing it. You make an effort to free them, and then you have sex.
For a person who isn’t asexual, maybe non-verbal approach to sex is fine, but for asexual people, it’s not.
I write from experience, by the way. I’ve had sex both ways. Sex that “just happens” is not a viable option for me. It was a situation where I felt very pressured, and he didn’t care. That’s a recipe for shitty sex at best. But when I met my fiancée, and she followed the script I laid out in my post? All of a sudden I can have awesome sex. Imagine that!
Also, you can’t become asexual.
Um, “relaxing” is not an adequate substitute for consent and boundaries.
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