Whining about your own sex life is not an appropriate response

[Warning: discussion of coercion, abuse, compulsory sexuality]

When an asexual person is talking about the problems they face, it is not appropriate to start whining about your own sex life.

Today, I received a comment saying:

It is truly disheartening to learn how many asexuals are having more sex than me.

This on a post about how to not be a shitty person to any asexual person you might be trying to engage in a sexual relationship.

I replied:

Seriously? THAT’S what you took from this?

Besides which, this article says absolutely nothing about “how many” asexuals are sexually active. What’s way more important than how many is the quality of the experience and whether it’s even worth it. It’s really very rude to make a comment like that to an asexual person. You’ve just shown that your only concern is what your own experiences are like, not what ours are like.

I’m tempted to delete your comment without responding, but hey, maybe if I respond publicly someone else will see why comments like these are so inappropriate.

The level of marginalizing fuckery that is going on with this comment is truly astounding to me. I can’t even.

What exactly was the point of this comment? Are we supposed to conclude that we’re lucky to be in a situation where we’re constantly being pressured to have sex that most of us don’t want? Are we supposed to have pity on this jerk who is apparently so pathetic that even asexuals are “having more sex” than them?

I think that’s exactly the point. It’s a guilt trip. It’s emotional manipulation. It’s taking the entire post—the point of which was don’t try to coerce by whining (or anything else)—and ignoring it to center your own concerns, your own feelings. It’s centering the harmful perspective that how much sex you have is a measure of your worth, which is damaging to asexuals for what should be obvious reasons.

Hey, dude, here’s a thought. Maybe if you stopped saying shit like that, people might actually find you more attractive. People don’t like it when you present yourself as someone who is incredibly pathetic in order to manipulate people into taking pity on you, so that you can get what you want (which in this case is… comfort I guess?). Especially when you’re inserting yourself into a conversation that isn’t about you, dismissing the entire point of the discussion, and trying to make it be about you instead.

And I have to say, I am really tired of people making assumptions about what my sex life is like—much less treating my entire community as a monolith and generalizing about all of our sexual experiences, as if we’re all the same. Yeah, I’ve had enjoyable, consensual sex in the past. That does not mean that I do anything sexual now. I’m not having more sex than this person. I’m not having any sex at all, and that’s how I like it.

Is it even worth it to have a comment section on this post anymore?

So often the people who decide to comment are just being coercive, abusive little shits. This comment? This is TAME. A lot of people take that post as an opportunity to just whine about their asexual partners, and how it’s so unfair. Or worse. To an asexual person, who also happens to be a survivor of abuse like that.

I don’t care about how frustrated you are about your sex life. I am NOT the person to complain to about that. If you absolutely have to complain, take it somewhere else.

This rant has been brought to you by “I’m not taking any shit today.” I’m not in the mood to go hunting around for links right now, but I may revisit this later to add some. Please feel encouraged to suggest links relevant to this situation in the comments section—even if you know I’ve already seen them, a lot of my readers probably haven’t, and it will save me some trouble later.

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6 thoughts on “Whining about your own sex life is not an appropriate response

  1. Pingback: Linkspam: April 1st, 2016 | The Asexual Agenda

  2. “It’s taking the entire post—the point of which was don’t try to coerce by whining (or anything else)—and ignoring it to center your own concerns, your own feelings. It’s centering the harmful perspective that how much sex you have is a measure of your worth, which is damaging to asexuals for what should be obvious reasons.”

    Oh, man…. I hadn’t thought about it like that until you pointed it out, but you’re right, this is…. responding to a post about coercive whining about not having sex, by whining about not having sex.

    “Hey, dude, here’s a thought. Maybe if you stopped saying shit like that, people might actually find you more attractive.”

    Ehh. Unfortunately I don’t think people necessarily reward better ethics with attraction.

    Anyway, if you deem it relevant, here are some similarly whiny comments I’ve gotten before that are rank with rape apologism and/or skeevy comments about aces.

    https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/#comment-2669
    https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/#comment-3874
    https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/#comment-5629
    https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/#comment-5705 (particularly strange)
    https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/#comment-5886

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    • “Ehh. Unfortunately I don’t think people necessarily reward better ethics with attraction.”

      Well, that’s not really what I was saying. I didn’t mean that people “reward ethics” with attraction, I mean more that being a jerk like that is a huge turn OFF for a lot of people. So people who might otherwise find a person attractive see them being a jerk, and then that is likely to make them find that person repulsive instead.

      Thanks for posting some links!

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      • “I didn’t mean that people ‘reward ethics’ with attraction, I mean more that being a jerk like that is a huge turn OFF for a lot of people.”

        Oh. Kinda lumped those together, didn’t I? Oops.

        Unfortunately… not *enough* people, I fear.

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        • To be fair, I wasn’t being particularly careful with my phrasing yesterday the other day, lol.

          And yeah, unfortunately probably not enough people. I think it can often be an acquired turn-off from age/experience though (hopefully more from age than bad experiences). For whatever that’s worth, I guess.

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